a love story

When I turned 26 — still young, for my ends and means — I felt the change. Since childhood or even longer my connection to memory was tenuous at best, yet that age marked a felt difference: the details had become lost interminably, the feelings impossible to recall without those details, and most finally I had the sense that I could not recreate those feelings in another. Or if it did it would be in a form unrecognizable to me: it would be up to me to see the truth in spite of myself. I would have to find the key without looking for it.

an elegy

Astrologically, it makes sense that celebrities kill themselves when they’re 27: the short of it is, they can’t handle real adulthood. Saturn, the Father, represents limits and boundaries. Since its orbit is about 28.5 years long, believers designate that right before a person’s thirties is when you contend with everything that has become before it, or fail to do so. The return of the repressed in Freudian terms.

Perhaps by biological coincidence this is one of the specific occult tenets that feels true to me: one’s brain finally sheds its plasticity at age 25, which is also a period of time when mental illnesses tend to manifest themselves. At 27, I imagine a person finds themselves stranded by their own experience, a sense of self no longer expands to fit the occasion and a sense that time now creeps differently for each person. The organizing metaphor becomes one of movement rather than of growth.

a fugue

i have been here far too long

not knowing where the exits are

an art project

saturnreturn.world is an SF-based art project. Among other things, it could be a zine or a set of T-shirt designs; please reach out if you can HELP ME or if you want to HANG OUT.

email: hi@saturnreturn.world

tarot: missiontarot.com